Village Struggling With Invasive Scatamounts

April 1, 2014

in News

By Jane Baddall, For Her Memoirs
What started with an infestation of emerald ash borers, now have police and state SWAT units working full time to control an uncontrollable amount of Scatamounts — a rare race of hybrid gorilla-Vermonter-panther people.

The Scatamounts have been spotted across the region, taking in the lovely villages and covered bridges, sipping hot cocoa by fire in ski lodges and savagely attacking the horde of killer crocodiles in the area.

‘It’s a golden age for the animal control business, we’re flush with orders,’ said Cooter Rueter Vice President Randy Bugsman.

catamounts Scatamounts, which the Vermont Fish and Wildlife brought in to deal with killer crocodiles, have taken over local ski resorts. Annie Leibovitz Photo

Vermont Fish and Wildlife bred the Scatamounts to handle the crocodiles, which overran the state following the influx of predatory, man-toothed chickens — the state’s solution to the growing African Fright beetle issue. Those beetles were brought in to handle the Japanese knotweed that was growing alongside many area rivers.

‘Luckily the knotweed is gone, but those Scatamounts have taken all the lift tickets in the region. We can’t ski anywhere and feel safe,’ said Woodstock resident Rob Bartlett.

VFW announced the plan to send thousands of cyborg robots to exterminate the Scatamounts.

‘There’s simply no way these robots, which we’ve named the Verminators, will ever turn on us humans. We have nothing to fear,’ said VFW Director John Connor.

In other news…
• SHHHHHH!!! – Woodstock Trustees Pass Total Silence Ordinance
• Putin To Annex Prosper
• Bowers Bridge Opened, No, Wait It’s Closed, OK, Really It’s Open, Closed
• Woodstock On Travelocity’s ‘Top 5 Places Named Woodstock’ List
• Virtual Calvin Coolidge Goes On Strike

For more stories from this week’s SUB-Standard…. click here to view the page


{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

pamela crossley April 1, 2014 at 8:46 am

that’s actually funny! thanks.

Leave a Comment

+ three = 9

Previous post:

Next post: